“When our two souls stand up erect and strong…”

We had a lot of fun this evening, going through the script for our wedding. Giggles galore. And now I just want to take this very clean, respectful script and be a completely immature and disrespectful bastard about it; we certainly had way too much fun doing that. Behold the cut down offensive version in all its glory. Easily offended? Stop reading. It’s going to be weird.

Welcome to the desert of the real…

There will be no blessings in the ceremony today, but there will be a short period of stunned silence later on, for anyone who has religious beliefs to cross themselves throughout the bedding ceremony (WHAT! It’s tradition!). Those with pacemakers we suggest you look hastily down at your iPhones; reading about Donald Trump’s latest executive order will be considerably less risky for you.

The ceremony in which we are now participating is simply the public recognition of a mutual lust that began when Gemma noticed Chris’ long fingers and began imagining them in dark places. Then evilly stole him away.

Dirty Readings

The first reading will be a sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning: “When our two souls stand erect and strong…” – lots of references to mounting, erections and angels pressing on us; very tempting indeed when you think of these filthy words being recited by a very posh-sounding lady, in a room full of adults wth equally dirty minds. Might as well have “The Owl and the Pussy Cat”. Rude not to.

Ring Sting

Chris gently turns Gemma’s left hand and says “Gemma, I gave you this copy of “The Ring” on DVD as a symbol of my frugality (Blu-Ray would be a waste of money in this case”. Please don’t watch it, or you’ll die in 7 days, and you’ve got no life insurance.

“When we are apart, look upon it and think of me naked and shackled.”

Gemma gently turns Chris’ left hand and says “Chris, I gave you this ring as a symbol of my love. Please wear it always, and when we are apart, look upon it and think of me as a deterrent. I will know, and I will cut you. OK?”

(it’s worth noting that this was by far the most fun part of planning the wedding to date, sitting here tonight and figuring out how to make this as offensive and weird as possible)

Alternative Vows

“Chris, will you promise to be Gemma’s best friend, to bring her happiness and laughter, and trust her with the treasure of your body for the rest of your life?” Chris turns, smiles at Gemma then whips it out. Gemma looks nonplussed.

Married

Chris and Gemma, I am delighted to declare you husband and wife. May I be the first to congratulate you on the most questionable decision you ever made. Perhaps you would like to confirm it in the traditional way?

Gemma takes out a plate and throws it at Chris’ head. #Lovewins

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